I have now left school. I have finished all my coursework, done all of my exams and handed in all of my books. And to be completely honest, I feel lost.
This should be a happy time for me and it mostly is, but I feel very empty. This could be for a number of reasons. I'm very stuck in routines and leaving the school environment is daunting. I know I have reasons to continue to get dressed and go outside but something in my brain keeps telling me that because I don't have school then I don't even need to wake up in the morning. Because of this I keep spending every day in my pajamas, browsing the web and generally doing nothing. When I was waking up, getting dressed and brushing my hair for school, I was forcing myself to do so and now that school is over, I can't think of a reason good enough anymore. This is ridiculous and of course doesn't help my mental health. I'm currently working on it and spent a good amount of time out and about yesterday. I was dressed like a homeless person and I came back completely sunburnt but overall it was better than nothing.
I'm terrified about the next school year. I'm going on to art college. Don't laugh! It's a good college, I promise. What scares me is that I might end up acting exactly as I did in high school there. Being painfully shy and unable to talk to anyone. I don't want to be an outcast again. Anyone who says being an outcast is good is either lying to make themselves feel better or isn't actually an outcast. Once again, I'm trying to fix it by working on the parts of me I'm insecure about, so that I'll have less to worry about once I arrive at the school.
But I think my main reason for feeling this way is that I didn't really achieve anything in school. I passed my classes and I have the grades needed to get a job, but I didn't take part in anything. The whole thing is bizarre because I didn't want to be a part of it and I still don't. The idea of joining one of the sports teams or preforming during Eisteddfod or being in the YouTube videos the school makes is horrifying to me. Recently, my school's YouTubeouTube posted the "2011-2018 leavers video" which is a video created by the year 13 in my school, as in my year. Obviously I didn't appear in it. They didn't even ask me if I wanted to. Of course I would have said no if they had asked, but it still kind of hurt.
I'll be completely honest and say that watching that video made me cry. I think it's the fact that it's too late to fix it. I have already wasted my entire school life. I have the rest of my adult life that I can get right, but I royally screwed up high school. It's that overwhelming feeling that if I'd tried to improve earlier, or even stopped myself ending up so bad in the first place, then I would've been one of the smiling and charismatic faces in the video. But instead I'm sat here, alone in the dark, writing about how miserable the whole thing makes me feel.